SInce I last wrote. Some things have happened.
1. I resigned from my job working with the big Green after a robbery and other issues.
2. I got involved more in church, this is a good thing.
3. I finally made it to Mars Hill.
4. I think I’m finally over the last one.
5. I still wonder if there’s hope.
6. I’m still not really sure what hope looks like.
Valentine’s day is one of the most interesting times of the year, particularly in Christian circles in the late twentyish stage. Its a time when married or dating couples celebrate their love, and single people either scurry off into isolation to languish in misery or crowd into little frightened groups to listen to sermons that will at the best leave them not so miserable and single, or at least put off the sense of impending doom that seems to be approaching.
But I’m going to write here to reflect on the many things I’ve learned on love and romance since the last valentines day. Especially since tomorrow I’ll be celebrating the 1st birthday of my church.
1. I’ve learned from a good family friend that in love, seeking the best of the person you want is a true way of loving them, even if that person isn’t you.
2. There is a line when attraction can become obsessive and toxic. A good indicator can be when it damages the life of the person involved, and the lives of otherwise uninvolved people. That isn’t love, its a toxic obsession that is, almost demonic.
3. Its better to be alone, then with the wrong person.
At this age in Christian circles, singleness is almost certain at my age. Particularly as an unemployed, uneducated guy. But my God is the God of the dark horses, and his way can include those weird black swan events. I am the man of the absurd, ridiculous and unlikely.
Luke 12:22-31 (ESV)
If then you are not able to do as small a thing as that, why are you anxious about the rest? Consider the lilies, how they grow: they neither toil nor spin, yet I tell you, even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these. But if God so clothes the grass, which is alive in the field today, and tomorrow is thrown into the oven, how much more will he clothe you, O you of little faith! And do not seek what you are to eat and what you are to drink, nor be worried. For all the nations of the world seek after these things, and your Father knows that you need them. Instead, seek his kingdom, and these things will be added to you.
When I first arrived in Vancouver, I brought everything I had with me, but because of a housing conflict, the only suit I had with me was the first suit I bought when I’d gotten my job with Naturalizer. That was a suit that had another great story behind it, but that’s not for this post.
After I’d miraculously aced the interview, I noticed that my suit had a worm hole. I’d had dinner at my Aunt’s, and a friend of hers had told me that along commercial drive . When I explored commercial, I found a retiring tailor who had one suit left in my size that was right on the window.
The suit fit me perfectly. And the best part was it cost me 350, down from 700 dollars.
The other day, a client at work asked if they were paying me too much because my suit looked tailored. Strange story how the greatest suit I’ve ever had came as an act of such strange providence.
I wonder if other things can be this way?
When I first arrived here, the plan seemed so simple. The plan was to get my Regent degree, find a job, and get out.
Little did I know that the combined weight of sin, my own and that of others, both new and old, from Ottawa and Vancouver would ever be this challenging.
I’ve been tiring out rapidly, between balancing every single thing going wrong in Vancouver: a dilapidated house, highly complex family situations, even more complicated interpersonal relationships, all while hanging on by my fingernails at work. I’d been thinking of giving up and going home, and resigning before the trap shuts.
But my friend Dan challenged me to stick around, and face it down. The next day, my Uncle called me up and did the same thing. He encouraged me not to resign, and see what happens. Even if I am going to lose my job, its not good to resign first. He reminded me of this simple fact:
This is the best, I’ve ever had in a long time, and I’ve never had as much opportunity as now.
Nonetheless, this situation here is greater than me, and even if I fix the short-term, the long-term is still impossible. If it weren’t for my faith, which teaches me to worry about today, this would be more than I can handle.
Then it happened, she was beautiful, kinda blonde, wavy hair that kind of looked like a halo. I’d slept about 4 hours, stressed out about over my workday, and she said “Its not too good to work that hard, I hope you have a good weekend, you know some people really need to rest.”
I wanted to tell her that maybe it would help my weekend if it involved maybe coffee, dinner, a movie, and if she was Christian and liked listening to this guy named Mark Driscoll, that’d sure be swell because living in a city that’s as unchristian as Vancouver is sort of draining.
Yeah, it’s time to talk to God deeper than usual.
Yes, yes it is.
I experimented with fasting and prayer for one full work day, and I had the best day ever. I tried again, and I had a terrible day. Either way, I can be sure that fasting and prayer will NOT affect the quality with which I perform my job.
So forward, into the unknown, and we shall see what happens.
This is all I can do…
I wonder if God is calling me to fast. Since moving here, things have been so straining. My own sins, the sins of others have so come to a head so strongly.
Am I being called to fast? this mission seems to have stalled. Everything is… stalled.
If I do, what if I can’t perform and lose my job? I’ve been prepared to lose it all along either way.
Is the answer, to not care at all? I guess we’ll find out.
The end of the calendar year is always a great time to think about how the past year has been.
This past year has been one of the toughest transition years I’ve ever had. I can be grateful that there was transition, because things have almost been standing still the past few years.
Still though, the Death threats, homelessness, family affairs, and strained personal relationships have taken their toll. And now, going into the New Year, it remains to be seen if I’l be able to keep my job. And even if things work out, the question still remains, will it make any difference in larger picture?
But Yigdal Yahweh, the LORD be exalted. I’ve gotten through many of those things, and I look forward to seeing what he will do in the future.
What’s ahead, who knows. But I do know that God is here, and that his promises are true, and no different than they ever have been in the past. As much as everything else on this Earth remains in doubt and in question, I know that I am known by God.
That will have to be enough…
This song left me lost in the majesty of God in a different way then most worship songs. While most contemporary worship songs leave me feeling like a participant, this song left me just frozen in awe at the power and majesty of God.
Interesting note too, the words are sung in Latin, taken from an old Roman Catholic Liturgy.
Translated, they say:
“Truly, O Lord, you are the Holy One, the source of all holiness.”
This song reminds of pictures given to us in the Bible, especially in Revelation where all of the heaven and Earth are worshiping God, bowing to his majesty in a symphony of pure, unadulterated worship.
Revelation 4:9-11 (ESV)
And whenever the living creatures give glory and honor and thanks to him who is seated on the throne, who lives forever and ever, the twenty-four elders fall down before him who is seated on the throne and worship him who lives forever and ever. They cast their crowns before the throne, saying,
“Worthy are you, our Lord and God,
to receive glory and honor and power,
for you created all things,
and by your will they existed and were created.”
Close your eyes, and hit play.
